


It's the Muppet Show with Tom Hiddleston!

by SusanMM



Category: The Muppet Show, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: Actor Tom Hiddleston, Comedy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-12 00:35:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7077175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SusanMM/pseuds/SusanMM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What would happen if Tom Hiddleston were a guest on The Muppet Show? <br/>Warning: bad puns ahead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's the Muppet Show with Tom Hiddleston!

Author's Note: The Muppet Show, alas, is long since cancelled. But if it were still on, and if Tom Hiddleston appeared as a guest star, it would probably be completely different from this. I don't own the Muppets. I don't own Tom Hiddleston. I don't own Airwolf or Star Trek. I do own a used Ford. This story originally appeared in the fanzine Diamonds and Dynamite #4, from the now defunct Agent with Style.

It's the Muppet Show with Tom Hiddleston!  
by Susan M. M. 

Scooter knocked on the dressing room door. "Mr. Hiddleston? Fifteen seconds 'til curtain, Mr. Hiddleston."  
"Thanks, Scooter," Tom Hiddleston replied. He was a tall, handsome Englishman with blue-green eyes and short blond hair. He wore a gray suit that whispered bespoke Bond Street tailoring.  
Miss Piggy, clad in a pink evening gown, told him, "You look so different with blond hair. I'm used to you with long, black hair, like in the movies."  
Tom stepped behind a dressing screen, then stepped out again a second later, dressed as Loki in all his Asgardian glory: long black hair, green costume. "Is this better?"  
"Oh, yes." She didn't quite drool.  
"Anything to make you happy, Miss Piggy. When my agent called to say he'd arranged for me to appear on The Muppet Show, I told him all I really wanted to do on the show was sing a duet with you."  
Miss Piggy batted her eyelashes. "Really?"  
"Oh, yes, I've been a fan of yours for years. Working with you is a privilege." Tom raised her hand to his lips.  
"So sweet of you to say so," she preened.  
"Oh, yes, a major fan for years and years," he continued.  
The swine-star of stage and screen was not smiling quite so widely now.  
"I've loved your work since I was a boy."  
"Tom, Tommy," she interrupted him.  
"Yes, Miss Piggy?"  
Ever so sweetly she coo'd, "Do you know pork fu?"  
"No."  
" I give free lessons," she snarled.  
In a small, quiet voice, Tom replied, "Yes, ma'am."  
*****  
In the balcony, Statler asked, "Did he say yes ma'am or yes spam?"  
Waldorf chuckled.  
*****  
The audience stared at a backdrop that read The Muppet Show. The O of the word 'show' opened, revealing a world-famous frog. Kermit introduced "It's the Muppet Show, with our very special guest, Tom Hiddleston!" The backdrop began to rise, with Kermit still in the O. The orchestra began to play the theme song.  
*****  
When the chorus finished singing the theme song, the velvet curtains closed. The curtains opened a moment later, revealing Tom and Miss Piggy. He was still dressed as Loki, horns and all. She was garbed as befit a Viking princess . A painted matte of Asgard hung in the background.  
Tom took her hand and began singing. "How could you believe me when I said I loved you when you know I've been a liar all my life?"  
"You've had that reputation since you was a youth," Miss Piggy sang.  
"You must have been insane to think I'd tell you the truth," Tom retorted.  
*****  
Fozzie Bear appeared on stage. "How many Romulans does it take to change a lightbulb?"  
"I don't know, how many?" Statler and Waldorf shouted back.  
"Two hundred. One to change the lightbulb, and a hundred and ninety-nine to blow up the ship out of shame," Fozzie retorted. He laughed at his own joke. He was the only one.  
In the audience, several Muppets turned to each other with confused looks. Walter, wearing a red Starfleet uniform, applauded wildly.  
"Not many Roddenberry fans here tonight, huh?" Fozzie realized. "OK, how many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it really needs to want to be changed."  
Statler asked, "Hey, how many bears does it take to wreck a show?"  
Waldorf replied, "I don't know, how many?"  
"Only one, if it's him," Statler retorted.  
*****  
Tom and Kermit sat backstage, chatting quietly as Fozzie was pulled off-stage with a giant wooden hook and the Gogola Jubilee Jugband hurried on-stage to replace him.  
"Thanks for letting me be in your latest movie. I had a blast," Tom said.  
"Did you say blast?" Crazy Harry pushed the plunger. The backstage area blew up.  
Tom bent over Kermit to protect him from the shrapnel. "Duck!"  
"Duck? Where?" Gonzo demanded.  
Three hens clucked and bawked furiously.  
"No, no, Camilla, girls, I wasn't cheating on you. I'd never -- "  
The angry hens chased him off. Gonzo ran for his life.  
Tom said, "Angry birds."  
Kermit nodded.  
The sound of jugs, banjos, and washboards came from the stage, as the Gogola Jubilee Jugband played "The Ballad of Thunder Road" from the Robert Mitchum movie.  
"Anyhow, I loved being in your movie. I had a great time," Tom continued.  
"What's your current project? Film, theater, videogame voiceover?" Kermit asked.  
"I recently finished a horror movie in Canada, and now I'm doing a movie in Ireland. That's one of the wonderful things about being an actor -- getting to go on location to so many marvelous places."  
Sam the Eagle approached the pair. "I understand we have a Shakespearean actor as our guest star this week. A man of culture and education."  
"Sam, Tom. Tom, Sam," Kermit introduced. "You met when we were filming Muppets Most Wanted, didn't you?"  
"Very briefly," the large blue eagle acknowledged.  
Tom nodded. "I took a Double First in Classics at Cambridge, then attended the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. And I've done quite a bit of Shakespeare, both on stage and for the telly. Coriolanius in Convent Garden, most recently. "  
"Good," Sam approved. "That should improve the tone of things around here."  
The banjo twanged. The cowbell clanged. Sam, Kermit, and Tom could hear the honky-tonk tones of "Good Ol' Boys," the theme song to The Dukes of Hazzard, emanating from the stage.  
Kermit glanced at Miss Piggy, Janice, and Rowlf, costumed and ready for the next sketch, Veterinarian's Hospital. "Not necessarily."  
*****  
"This is Louis Kazagger," the sportscaster spoke into his microphone, "with Muppet Sports. We're going to see if the Swedish Chef can keep his championship title as Best Lingonberry Thrower. First, attempting to challenge him for the title, is Lew Zealand. Can he apply his fish-throwing skills to lingonberry tossing?"  
*****  
Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem were gathered in their practice studio. Rizzo the Rat was curled up in the corner, half-asleep. Tom sat down beside Janice, the blonde guitarist.  
"When my agent called to say he'd arranged for me to appear on The Muppet Show, I told him all I really wanted to do on the show was a chance to jam with you," Tom said. "Especially," he took Janice's hand and raised it to his lips, "if I had a chance to sing a duet with you."  
Janice blushed. Rizzo's eyebrows rose, and he scurried out of the room.  
"If we're gonna jam," Dr. Teeth announced in a gravelly voice, "we should invite the Monkees to join us."  
"Monkees, Monkees." Animal banged his drumsticks on his snare drum to show his assent.  
"You like the Monkees, don't you, Tom?" Janice asked. "Peter, Davy, Mike, and Mickey?"  
"Love them," Tom confirmed. "Almost as much as I love the Electric Mayhem."  
Floyd Pepper, the bass guitarist, pulled a cell phone out of his pocket. He pressed a few buttons. "Mickey? Floyd. We're gonna jam. Come on over."  
Zoot put his saxophone to his lips and began playing an instrumental version of Santana's "Smooth." Lips, the trumpeter, joined in. Before they had finished the song, the Monkees walked in.  
"Hey, guys, this is Tom." Janice pointed to the capuchin monkey carrying a harp. "This is Peter." She nodded to a spider monkey with a tambourine. "Davy." She indicated a colobus monkey holding a bongo drum. "Mickey." Last was a marmoset with a mandolin. "And that's Mike."  
"The monkeys. I should have known," Tom muttered. Aloud, he asked, "Shall we jam?"  
"We shall," Dr. Teeth agreed.  
They started with the Beatles' "It's a Hard Day's Night" and went on to the Electric Mayhem's own "Can You Picture That." Then Tom and Janice began singing "Daydream Believer."  
"Oh, I could hide 'neath the wings of the bluebird as she sings," Tom sang. "The six o'clock alarm would never ring."  
Janice took the next verse, "But it rings, and I rise, wipe the sleep out of my eyes."  
"My shaving razor's cold and it stings," Tom sung.  
Everyone joined in on the chorus.  
Janice continued, "I once thought of you as a white knight on a steed."  
The door to the rehearsal studio slammed open. Miss Piggy stomped in. She wore her Pigs in Space costume. "What is going on here?"  
"Just making a little music, Piggy," Floyd told her.  
Miss Piggy whirled on Tom. "You told me you wanted to sing a duet with moi! Not this Woodstock wannabe!"  
"Now, listen, Miss Piggy," Janice began, putting one hand on her hip.  
Rizzo peeked into the doorway of the rehearsal studio.  
Dr. Teeth, noticing him, interrupted the guitarist. "Looks like Rizzo ratted us out."  
Rizzo waved his tail in the air. "I'm a rat. Of course I'm a tattletale."  
Tom took Miss Piggy's hand and pulled her onto his left leg. He tried to hide a wince as she sat on his thigh. Miss Piggy was no lightweight. Then he took Janice's hand and pulled her onto his right leg. Once both were settled on his lap, he said, "You can't expect a red-blooded Englishman not to notice a lovely lady." He turned to Miss Piggy. "And when she's intelligent as well as merely beautiful, or" he turned to face Janice, "talented and creative, well, how could you expect me to resist? How could I possibly choose between two such wonderful women, any more than I could say which was lovelier, a rose or a lily?"  
Janice and Miss Piggy sighed in unison.  
Tom crooned softly, "Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool. Loving the both of you is breaking all the rules."  
"Tom smooth," Animal declared.  
Zoot nodded.  
*****

Tom sat backstage, watching "Pigs in Space." He saw Robin, smiled, and waved.  
Robin hid behind a packing crate.  
"What's the matter, tadpole? I won' t hurt you ."  
"You're Loki! You're gonna turn me into a zombie mind slave with electric blue eyes." He ducked behind the crate.  
"I'm not Loki, I'm just Tom." He stepped into a convenient phone booth as Loki. He stepped out blond, dressed in blue jeans and a Muppets Most Wanted t-shirt. "See? I'm just an actor. Loki is a character I played -- a fun character -- but he's not me. I'm Tom Hiddleston. And you're Robin the Frog, aren't you? The shortstop for the Swamptown Sluggers?"  
"You know me?"  
" Of course! Didn't you hit the winning homerun against the Bogsville Buzzards?"  
"How'd you know that?" Robin asked.  
"Your uncle told me. Kermit's very proud of you; he showed me a picture. You want to see my favorite picture?"  
Robin nodded.  
Tom pulled out his cell phone.  
Robin edged closer so he could see.  
"When we're not pretending to fight, Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans and I are very good friends. I got one of the cameramen and one of the prop guys to help me take this picture during a break when we were filming Avengers."  
Robin looked at the cell phone. The picture showed Loki holding Thor's hammer and Captain America's shield.  
"I e-mailed this picture to Chris and Chris and teased them 'Guys, I'm not giving them back'."  
Robin giggled.  
"I know some of the fight scenes in the movies are scary, especially at your age, but it's all make-believe. Just pretend. When I'm dressed up as Loki, I have long black hair and fancy clothes. But this is the real me."  
Robin looked at the blue-jeans clad actor. He stared into his blue-green eyes. "Your eyes were green in Thor and blue in Avengers." He gasped. "Does that mean ...?" He put his hand to his mouth. Tom looked left, looked right, then put his finger to his mouth. "Don't tell. That's going to come up in a later movie."  
Miss Piggy, Link Hogthrob, and Dr. Julius Strangepork came out. Tom applauded softly.  
"You were wonderful, Miss Piggy."  
"Thank you, thank you. I was, wasn't I?"  
*****  
"You've been a wonderful audience," Kermit said. "Thank you for being with us and our special guest, Tom Hiddleston."  
Tom came out on stage and waved to the audience.  
"And congratulations to the Swedish Chef, who won the Lingonberry Tossing Contest for the third year running!" Kermit continued.  
The Swedish Chef came out, a golden trophy in his hands. He bowed and waved.  
*****  
"Not as many bad puns as usual," Statler noted.  
"Nope," Waldorf agreed. "I guess they were trying to keep things low key."

 

The End

"How Could You Believe Me" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8q2fTSo8aoY  
"Ballad of Thunder Road" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdwUpxkfSJw  
"Good Ol' Boys" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qogVHlmFcx0&list=RDqogVHlmFcx0  
"Smooth" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fwsl1dUcgwM  
"It's a Hard Day's Night" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGgAsuVhZIw  
"Can You Picture That" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoKFBjd5-F8  
"Daydream Believer" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nU615FaODCg  
"Torn Between Two Lovers" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1F5BLLFAeM  
http://followpics.co/avengers-loki-steals-thors-hammer-and-captain-americas-shield-found-on-reddit-tom-hiddleston-interview/


End file.
